for many many years i could never say "God loves me". i could say "God loves you" or "God loves us" but never "God loves me". through adverse circumstances God has shown me it's okay to be me. He has showed me that he created me just the way that i am. so i like to eat ice cream out of a cup, and i like to wear bright colored socks with plaid shoes. and i have a cat named Itka. i have learned to march to the beat of my own drum. and it's taken 29 years to learn it's okay.
before i wanted to fit in so badly. i wanted to wear the right clothes, like the right things, talk the right way, only to "gain" friends, or to cling tightly to the few that i had. i felt that i had to fit into whatever my friends thought i should do. i was plagued with fear of rejection! and i knew that if i would be the real me, then it would be weird and awkward, and i would drive people away. so i kept my real self to myself. i mean we aren't just talking high school stuff here, i'm talking adult stuff! i was a mess, and i was miserable! always afraid of what people were really thinking about me, and hoping that they wouldn't find out who i really was because that would destroy everything that i was trying to be.
and i felt that God felt the same way. that if i didn't talk right, act right, dress right, hand out with the right people, then i would be unacceptable, and would be thrown to the trash heap or be sold at a discounted rate.
then, something changed. one person that i tried so hard to impress faded out of my life, and i began to be me. i began to do the things that i wanted to do how i wanted to do them. express myself in ways that i would never have done before because of fear of losing my friend. i got tired of trying to be everything that everyone wanted me to be, or better yet, everything that i thought that everyone wanted me to be. i finally began to gain some confidence. i began to be okay with me being me. and it did something.
it wasn't until i was talking with my boss and spiritual leader about something and she said "you are unique and have a unique calling on your life, and you're fine with it until things pile up." and she was so right. i began sharing some things with her. and that's when i realized that i could say "God loves me!" talk about victory! it was amazing. i've been saved for almost 8 years, but have never been able to verbalize that God loves me. it's one of the most exciting things that has happened to me in a long time.
one of the songs that has had a wonderful effect on me since the first time i heard it is "oh how He loves us" i first heard the Crowder style. and i fell in love with it. not because i had the revelation that God loves me, but because it touches a deep deep part in me, that nothing else can touch. We sang it last night in church and i cried. i just checked my itunes and i have 4 versions of that song. and one version has been played 178 times in 9 months.
i want to leave you with an encouragement:
God made us all special, and He doesn't expect you to be just like your friend or sibling, or co-worker. God made you to be you, and no one else. for you to try to fit into that moulding is unnatural and will cause harm to yourself, and people around you. i hope that if this is something that you struggle with that you will find someone to talk to. and if your friends stop being your friends after you start being you, then maybe they were never really your friends to begin with!
"oh how He loves us!"
