i've been reading this book called "Sacred Pathway" discover your soul's path to God, by Gary Thomas. it's really cool, and good. it talks about different Christan temperaments and what is your best way to commune/serve God. i don't have mine figured out yet. but last night i read this part in the book and i screamed "yes!!!" inside. i'll type it out for you, this is the temperament of Ascetics, which is loving God in solitude and simplicity, here we go:
"When i was involved in street preaching on a college campuses, the soul-wrenching and gut-busting struggles came during the moments in prayer before i actually spoke. once i had wrestled with my fears and my doubts, the act of obedience became almost anticlimactic. even later in life, as i've struggled with God's will, the act of obedience always seems less difficult than the prior decision to be obedient. 'don't you know where God is leading on this?' i was asked once.
'yes, i do,' i said. 'and that's the problem. i'm waiting for my willingness to catch up with God's.'
that's why i identify so much with Christ, alone and in agony as he prayed in Gethsemane. it is the ultimate picture of Christianity, the picture of us struggling spiritually as God aligns our will with His. it's the picture that fuels the ascetic spiritual temperament."
when i read that i thought, wow, someone else knows how i feel. so many times i go through this huge struggle in my head. do i do what i know is right? or do i skim the edges to try to get what i want? by the time i make the right decision, i've argued with myself for 15-20 min! oh the agony! i go back and forth, back and forth, and then when i finally make the decision to do right, i almost yell out the answer forcefully because i'm scared if i wait a moment longer, then i will change my mind, so i have to say it fast and loud. people look at me like i'm crazy, but what i'm the most concerned about is not what people think about me, but what God thinks about me. even if i look crazy.
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